


It's a girl!

by delphinus



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Crack Fic, M/M, Read at Your Own Risk, written at midnight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 04:47:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2096307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delphinus/pseuds/delphinus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ra's decides that his grandson and the Detective need to get along. So he creates a child using their respective DNA and gives it to Tim, who really wishes that he hadn't gotten up that morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. It's a girl!

"Ra's." Red Robin was obviously exasperated. "What on earth have you done now?"

  
He had read every scrap of information he could get his hands on, but he still wasn't entirely sure what had happened here.

  
Ra's had the gall to look amused. "Is it not obvious, Detective?"

  
Red Robin sighed. "I get drugged often enough that I would like verbal confirmation."

  
Ra's accepted that with a gracious nod and proceeded to tell Tim exactly what he didn't want to hear. "I have created a child."

  
"Whose child?"

  
"Yours. And my grandson's."

  
Red robin stared at the sleeping baby for a moment, then pinched the bridge of his nose with a despairing groan. "Why, Ra's? What purpose could this possibly serve? You don't want it for an heir. You never would have shown it to me if you did. I know you know that I absolutely cannot, in good conscience, allow you, of all people, to raise a child."

  
"Her, Timothy. The child is not an it, but a her. It has come to my attention that you and my grandson do not get along well. That is unacceptable, as I am somewhat attached to both of you. This is meant to remedy that. I know that neither of you would consent to leave your daughter lacking loving parents. It is my hope that you will overcome your hatred of each other to provide her with the family she needs."

  
"You made a child using mine and Damian's DNA because you got tired of us fighting?" Tim wanted to just close his eyes and pray that if and when he opened them this entire mess would be just a bad dream. "You couldn't have just, I don't know, found a spell or something?"

  
Ra's al Ghul raised an eyebrow at him.

  
"Okay, you may have a point about this being the only way to force us to get along, but- Just- Really?"

  
It came out kind of weak, and they both knew it, but Ra's was, as always, too courteous to point it out. Verbally, at least. His body language radiated amusement and victory.

  
"I assume that you're going to want to be her grandfather?" Tim asked, resigned.

  
"It is traditional for a child to have grandparents on both sides, is it not?"

  
"And who do you think her grandmother should be?"

  
"I do not know. That is your decision to make, with the aid of my grandson." He gestured, and the ninja holding the baby girl passed her off to Red Robin.

  
Right then, Tim was thanking God for the classes he had taken to endorse the Wayne Foundation's program for new mothers. He knew how to care for kids. He could handle this. He hoped. "Wait. You're actually going to let me walk out of here?"

  
"Indeed, Detective, I am. I would not risk harm coming to the child."

  
Tim nodded, having decided that he was going to pretend that all this made perfect sense, and walked out the door.

  
Ra's watched him go with a chuckle. "Good luck, Detective. I suspect that you shall need it."


	2. Shock

The first question Batman asked when Red Robin walked into the Batcave carrying a baby in his arms was, "What?" and the second one was, "Why?"

Tim sighed and slipped off his cowl, staring down at the fragile little baby he was holding. "Ra's," he said. Like that explained it all. If Dick was honest, it kinda did. "He decided that Damian and I need to get along, so he created a child using our DNA. Speaking of Damian, where is he? He should meet his- our- daughter."

"How are you so calm about this?" Dick asked, pulling his own cowl off to let it hang down his back.

"I'm in shock," Tim said dryly. "Later, when I get around to freaking out, I will go ask Alfred what the heck I am doing with a child, but right now it's still settling in."

Dick nodded. "Damian is in his room. I sent him up early because he broke the collarbone of a man he was supposed to interrogate."

"Thank you. Hopefully he doesn't decide to break my collar bone for this."

"I wouldn't count on it."

"I can dream, can't I?"


	3. Alfred

Tim ran into Alfred on the way to Damian's room.

  
"Master Timothy, might I inquire as to just what it is you are doing with an infant?"

  
Tim knows full well that there is no way he is getting out of explaining this. "Alfred, I would like you to meet mine and Damian's daughter."

  
The butler raised an incredulous eyebrow. "How, pray tell, did the two of you come to have a child?"

  
"Damian's grandfather decided we've been fighting too much. This is his way of forcing us to coexist peacefully."

  
"I see. Will you be keeping the child, Master Tim?"

  
Tim nodded once, decisively. "She stays whether Damian likes it or not. She's my responsibility. Damian's too, if he'll accept it."

  
Alfred nodded in return. "Very well, then. I shall see about moving your things to a more appropriate room. And setting up a nursery for when she is older. I'll have to go shopping tomorrow. Master Bruce's old crib shall have to suffice for the moment." The butler walks off, back to the kitchen, leaving Tim alone with the child.

  
And with the task of breaking the news to Damian. Joy. He sighed and made his way upstairs.


	4. Names and Responsibility

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damian meets his daughter. Hopefully this is good. Let me know if it is. Or isn't. Because I swear, I've rewritten this five times in the past hour.

Damian's door was open, so Tim just walked in, knocking on the door frame as he passed. Damian looked up with a scowl. When he saw who it was, his attention automatically returned to his sketchbook. Then he did a double take.

  
"What are _you_ doing with a child, Drake? Better yet, what are you doing with a child _in my room_?"

  
The tone of his voice was not conducive to making Tim want to break the news gently. At all. That little sneer wasn't helping his case much either. "Damian, meet our daughter."

  
"W-what?!" Damian spluttered. "I do not have a child. I am much too young to have a child!"

  
"Stephanie was a little bit younger than you when she got pregnant," Tim pointed out.

  
"I am not Brown. I- Did you say 'our'?"

  
"Yes. Take it up with your grandfather. He got tires of our fighting and came to the conclusion that if we had a reason to stop, we would. So he took samples of both our DNA and created a kid. Our kid. He hopes we'll set aside our differences to give her a loving family."

  
Damian stared at the child for a very long moment before Tim gently transferred the baby to Damian's arms and then proceeded to adjust his grip. "Support her head," he scolded.

  
Damian held the child like he was afraid he might break her. "I am not old enough to be a parent," he said quietly. "I do not know what to do, or how to care for a child. I did not even know how to hold her properly until you showed me."

  
Tim sat down next to him cautiously. "You're more mature and capable than some of the adults I know."

  
"But what if I make a mistake?"

  
"I'll be there to help. You forget, I've taken classes on parenting and taking care of little kids. With Steph before she had her baby and to support that Wayne Foundation program. In theory, I know how to handle this."

  
"Could we not just give her to a more suitable family? We have our nighttime activities to attend to and what happens when she gets old enough to start asking questions?" Damian almost sounded desperate.

  
Tim glared. "No. I'm not going to abandon her like that. If you don't want her, I'll raise her myself, but she is our responsibility."

  
"I am not letting you raise a child alone," Damian said decisively. The stubborn set of his jaw and the spark in his eyes said that he would do this even if it killed him.

  
"Good. As for patrol and all that, we can work out a schedule of who goes what night and what happens to her when we're with our teams on weekends. We have a few years to work out what we'll tell her when she starts asking where we go."

  
Damian nodded. That made sense. "Does she-? Did grandfather perhaps... Name her?"

  
Tim shook his head. "No. Got any ideas?" He figured that it wouldn't hurt to let Damian name her. Maybe it would make this whole situation a little more real for younger man.

  
Damian thought about it. "Clemira," he said eventually. "Brilliant princess, because that is what she will grow to be. With my- our blood in her veins, how could it be otherwise?"

  
Tim smiled. "I feel like her middle name should be Antonia or something, to honor Bruce."

  
Damian nodded slowly. "That would be nice. And Antonia does mean priceless in Greek."

  
"And praiseworthy in Latin," Tim added.

  
"Clemira Antonia Wayne." Damian said the name slowly and with care.

  
Tim made no comment about her last name. Wayne was technically his last name too, so he would let it slide. "Clemira Antonia Wayne."

  
The little girl smiled in her sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruce Wayne's middle name is Anthony.


	5. Fudge

Tim looked up to find Jason standing in the doorway in his Red Hood gear, minus the helmet.

"You know," Jason drawled, "When Goldie told me that you two had gone and gotten yourselves a kid, I though that he was just messing with me. I'm actually really wishing that he had been. What the %$@ did you two do?!" He paused. "Do I want to know?"

"Language," Tim snapped. "The last thing she needs is you teaching her how to cuss."

"Seriously? The kid can't understand what I'm saying!" Jason glared.

"I don't care," Tim said flatly.

Damian exchanged a look with Tim, then said simply, "To answer your question, no, Todd, you do not want to know what we did to get a child."

Let him wonder. Tim was tired of explaining anyway.

Jason looked mildly sick. "Okay. Moving on. What are you going to do with it? Her?"

"Her," Damian confirmed. "We will keep her and raise her here."

"Aren't you two way too young to raise a kid? I mean, sh- skittles, Timmy, you're barely old enough to legally drink! And you're barely legal, brat."

Damian glared at him, sticking his chin out stubbornly. "We are keeping her," he repeated.

Jason stared at them for a long moment. "This is crazy as fudge, but hey, what part of our lives isn't? If you two ever need help, let me know. If I can't get the job done, I'll know someone who can."

"I do not trust most of the people you know, Todd."

"I wouldn't let any of the bad ones within ten miles of the kid."  
"We'll think about it, Jason," Tim assured him.

Jason shook his head at them again. "I'm headed back out. I wasn't quite done with my rounds when Big Bird called me in. Good luck, you two. You're gonna need it."


End file.
